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| So. I've been thinking alot about the past and all that hubbub. People I've hurt and friends I've lost. Too many people I've lost honestly. I'm happy for alot of them because they're doing better than they were last we met. Like Mandingo. Amanda. You might know her. Shes the Venomous Poison. When we met she was a bit of a helterskelter. A broken heart and a mixed up girl. Sweet though. I tried to help her as well as I could but again, I'm a bit of a fuck so it wasn't much. But she seems to have sorted it all out on her own and that's great for her. And we all know about Kell. I've mentioned her more then anyone, she's great and last she checked in was doing great and that's awesome. I hope for her continued happiness. There's more of course, but I'm not going to list all the people who are doing better since last I saw them.
I just want you all to know. Any fucked up thing I've done to you. I'm sorry. You're all awesome and thanks for putting up with me like you all did. That's all. Oh. And fuck you all if you doubt me. I'm a fucking asshole I say it proudly.
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| So, Kelli has went into hiding yet again and I sit here with a smile and wish her well. Another has on her Xanga something about the things that turn her on. I am working at another job. One that is not nearly as sucky as some of my formers but isn't the greatest job in the world. I've been reading my Xanga and wonder how many times I've been thought about recently. How many of you read this and even care? I've been living and not dying. My grandmother died, my brother went to prison, one of my nieces tried to kill herself, and I find it hard to care much about anyone but my niece in that. If any of you are alive and well, let me know, there's a number of you I don't talk to enough anymore. Also, the tag line from this is from Buffy the Musical, and is the song that Dawn sings containing only, from what i remember, the two lines "Does anybody even notice, does anybody even care' | | |
| I find myself here at this time and looking at this thing and speaking to someone whom is an old friend. And I find myself remembering (and trying to forget in some cases) my past. The things that I have done, the person I was in comparison to who I am now, and the friends I have known and lost. And I realize. My life is pretty much the same. I am still myself. I am a little less controlled, a little less disciplined. A little older, a little wiser, and a whole hell of a lot crazier. But mostly, I miss my friends. Kell, whom I hope is well but I miss dreadfully, and others who I knew long ago. You all know who you are. If any of you still read this. Say hi. and I suppose that will end this little drama. I miss people. I hope you all are well. | | |
| When I first started this. My Xanga. I made a mention of a theme. Rants. Just little tidbit rants about my opinion because I never had anything to realy write. So in tradition. I am going to rant about: Upgrades. I see Xanga has upgraded. Not to shabby. Really but that's not really the call for upgrades. As we all know it can never be that simple.. or plain. So what can I rant about upgrades? Oh yes. People. I've encountered one person from my past who has.. upgraded. And I'm happy for them. Even though they and I are not... were not.. friends when we parted though we were once. I suppose. Or at least I viewed them as a friend. Anyway. Aside from the point. But yes. They've upgraded their life. For the better it seems. And of course Kell, the awesome one, has improved her life. She's happy. She feels good about herself. And she should. She is awesome. Another upgrade. But me? I'm still me. Still that reckless, stupid, clumsy kid I've always been. And no, I'm not going to go "Woe is me" for it. I've always been relatively satisfied with my lot in life. I'm a self-serving bastard with an ego and conviction. I'm damn near extinct. I hate people but want to try and help them be happy. It makes no sense. I hate myself but think I am the most awesome thing that's ever graced this side of Time. I can do complex puzzles but fuck up simple equations. I'm prone to feats of amazing agility and grace but am constantly falling over myself. The point is. I'm pretty much a bunch of Odds at Ends. And I find myself wondering.. can I be better? Can I upgrade? While wondering why I should. Anyway. Here's the long and short of it. End of the day. I know who I am, I am content with who I am, I like who I am. But I really feels there no room in this world for someone like me. I just can't.. do what comes so easily to other people. The whole social graces thing. Pretending to be what people want so you can make it... I can't do it. I do a piss poor job at being normal. Oh well. Regardless. Iwill do as I always do. Make my own way. Even if I have to bash through some walls along the way. This has been a pseudo-rant. That is all. | | |
| So I guess somebody might be a little concerned about my current stand in life. Well. Yay, I made it to twenty-one. Let's all celebrate with me pretending I give two figs what age I am. One year closer to death and all that. I moved from Washington, all the way to Ohio. Sweet huh? Kell has re-emerged so I am uber-excited to see if she ever emails me or contacts me again. Love her if she's reading this, which I doubt. I'm working at a new job... one that sucks as bad as my old one but isn't trying to put me in the ground with insane amounts of manual labor. I've recently lost track of my writing machinations. I wish I could go back to writing the way I once did. But it's so hard these days. Oh. I just renewed my love for How Like a God, by Brenda Clough. Truly great novel. ALl should read. Anyway. It was a Christmas present, isn't that great? I told COunterpart, uber-friend of mine, that it was all I really wanted. Four dollars have never been worth more in my eyes. Oh, and much love to Kell. Hope you re-re-emerge so I can give you many huggins | | |
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